Fear

What do you fear the most or what *is* fear? Not in the mundane sense of getting fired or falling off a cliff, but the fear so fearful that you cannot confide about it to anyone; Something that uniquely defines you and your emotions.

Is fear your inner demons? For the longest time, I have feared my sub-conscience the most. The things it conjures up are scarier than any spine chilling horror movie I have attempted to sit thru. And it has got company too. My over-imaginative imagination. There's a reason why it is called "image"nation. It conjures up pictures where you don't want none. It only serves to feed my sub-conscience into dreaming up a Ramsay-Spielberg joint venture.

With introspection being my favorite indulgence, these two factors (inner demos & imagination) routinely crop in my thought process. If not only to muddle the thinking, but to also send me into trips of melancholy. The pride that I associated with my thinking is now a sense of foreboding. An invitation to the inner demons to lay siege to me and wait till I cave in. It is only in a clutchful of friends can I see solace and climb out of the hole that I dig myself into.

But this is a war of attrition, I think. Everyday is a struggle to keep the demons at bay and everyday is a fresh challenge. And everyday, I think, a bit of me never comes out of that hole. I think my obsession with what happens at the age of 27 may soon catch up with me. I hope not though. It will be too easy and escapist to cave in. But I will take it one day at a time. I hope to get a huge dollop of solace soon, but then again, it may not be coming.

...that voice inside my head gets stronger...

Of False Starts and Introspection

With movies being so central to my being me, should it be any surprising that life imitates art? Not the Rocky Balboa/Forrest Gump/John Connor/Thomas Anderson kinds, but the Double Jeopardy/Indecent Proposal/<insert other deceit based movies here>
We talk about leap of faith and the whole partners for life schmooze and I think of the filmi but now seemingly true to life characters of Tom Cruise in Jerry McGuire and Will Smith in Hitch...

"...you complete me"...
"...and there's only one person that makes me feel like I can fly"...

Past tense is probably more accurate...

Words fail me. I could actually turn this into the worse rant post I can ever write but there would be only more pain in seeing sad reality coming to haunt me on my screen.

The reality is
even if u mend the broken glass, the cracks are still there;
even if u patch a pricked balloon, you can still see the disfiguration;
even if the wounds heal, the scars are permanently etched;
even if u reformat, its still the same machine.

In the weird circle of life, there is no complete "Undo"